Ask Angelo - Angelo Pezzote

Angelo Pezzote

 When Your Boyfriend Always Chooses Porn Over You
 And Being POZ and Unsafe Sex - On Purpose?

Dear Angelo,

My relationship of 4 years became sexless after 6 months. His love for porn and fantasy has been stronger than his love for me ever since. I am overwhelmed.

Signed, Stuck

Dear Stuck,

I imagine it is painful to have this in your life. It must be hard to have a partner lusting after everything but you for so long. I'm sorry you're going through this now.

Every couple is different and will have sex differently. Porn and fantasy can complement a couple's already healthy sex life. But when you are replaced with porn and fantasy that is another story. Giving complex reasons why this could be happening with your boyfriend would be speculative. So I would like to focus on your situation instead.

While tempting, don't ask, "why is this happening?" Instead ask, "what can I learn from this situation?" In the midst of difficulty, it's kinda hard to pack your school bag and feel good about going off to school. We just want quick answers to take the hurt away! But asking, "what can I learn from this," can be a great way help you start to find the answers to become "unstuck."

When your boyfriend consistently would rather masturbate to porn than make love to you, how does that leave you feeling about yourself and your relationship with him? Have you been able to tell him how you feel? If so, how did you feel about his response? If not, what keeps you from telling him? What keeps you together? I wonder what you would like to have happen? What would life be like if that were to happen? What if that does not happen? I would like to see you have what you want.

Just asking these questions today will begin to break old patterns, so you're not so overwhelmed. For more support, consider finding your own therapist, get into couple's counseling, or join a support group to discuss the problems you are experiencing with your boyfriend. You can also encourage your boyfriend to seek his own counseling as well.

Dear Angelo,

I am 21 and newly POZ. There is something I cannot control. If I am with someone and they don't put on a condom, I simply slap some spit on my penis and slide it right in. My friend agrees. He prostitutes himself, but he does not tell people he is POZ. He lets them swallow, since they are asking for it anyway.

Signed, Bareback

Dear Bareback,

You do have control and you do have choices. Being POZ, you and your friend have a responsibility to inform your sex partners of your HIV status before having sex. You must stop your unprotected behavior immediately.

There is a lot of information out there today about safer sex practices. All gay men have the responsibility to ask about, and share, HIV status with each other before having sex. As gay men, each of us also have our own responsibility to protect ourselves. But if someone chooses not to protect themselves, that does not give someone else permission to knowingly put them at risk. Likewise, if someone fails to protect themselves, it absolutely does not mean that "they are asking for it" or that they don't care. Maybe all they want is love. They may be starving for love so bad that they will have sex to end the awful pain of loneliness - even if it's unprotected sex.

Being POZ, you have a responsibility each time to inform your prospective sex partners. To protect yourself, you also need to always take the step to wear a condom to not put others and yourself at risk. I suggest you call a HIV Hotline or AIDS Service Organization today and ask where you can go to receive immediate support. This is not to shame you, but to tell you that it is crucial that you develop a support network as soon as possible.

Living with HIV can be hard. Being newly diagnosed, many powerful feelings like: denial, anger, sadistic rage, bargaining, anxiety, despair and fear of rejection could be happening for you now. It helps to talk about sensitive issues with counselors who understand. I want you and those you play with to have well-beingness for a long, healthy happy life. Call and get support.


Angelo Pezzote, MA, "The Gay Man's Therapist"
For Today's Gay Man Who Faces Challenging Concerns

"My clients like being able to talk about sensitive issues in an open, relaxed and non-judgmental space with a caring therapist who understands their unique life experience."  Visit

Angelo Pezzote, MA, All Rights Reserved


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