Ask Angelo - Angelo Pezzote

Angelo Pezzote
M.A., N.C.C., L.M.H.C.
 Straight Guy With Gay Fantasies
 plus A Real Man's Gay Pride

Dear Angelo,

The mainstream media always uses pictures of the most flaming queens at gay pride. This ends up giving us a bad image. Why don't the queens just realize this and act normal? They're setting us back.

Signed, Real Man

Dear Real Man,

Actually, the flaming queens are the real heroes of our community and they should be honored. Gay liberation is what gay pride is all about. It was the queens that fought back in 1969 at Stonewall, a New York bar that was the birthplace of the modern gay rights movement. We owe them gratitude for the freedoms we have today.

I think these men are able to be who they are without any pretense. They can do something many guys can't. They can toss the mask of the real man in order to be their true selves. This self-acceptance takes tremendous courage and calls for our admiration. They suffer a great deal of unneccessary discrimination from society and their own kind for crossing gender lines. Instead, we need to learn from these men. We can let our hair down more. We can come out and stop performing the straight acting routine in our dog and pony show of masculinity. This doesn't mean you have to be effeminate if you're not, but it means you can be more of who you are without stamping out your gayness, and without discriminating against those who are effeminate. You can get more information on gay men and masculinity at my website ( and in my upcoming book.

Having said this, you do have a point in that the media does not fairly represent the diversity of the gay community. The Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation ( GLAADat ) does good work to ensure fair representation of our community. You may consider volunteering your passion to this issue.

All the best, Angelo.

Dear Angelo,

I have browsed through your awesome website ( and thought I would share some of my thoughts and curiosities. I have been heterosexual all my life and find women very attractive. I have a girlfriend. But I do get turned on a lot thinking about sex with another man. The strange part is, I get turned on thinking about certain acts, whether it be oral, or getting topped, because it's something different and erotic. But at the same time, I don't find men attractive the way I find women attractive. Yet, I get extremely turned on thinking of various sexual activity when masturbating to thoughts about a guy. Does this sound weird to you? I definitely would like to try to experience sex with a masculine top, but don't know if I have the nerve.

Signed, Straight Guy With Gay Fantasies

Dear Straight Guy With Gay Fantasies

First off, I don't think you should try anything without talking to your girlfriend first. Fantasies are one thing, they don't hurt anyone. But a secret real life encounter can really hurt our partner if it's done behind their back.

Having same sex fantasies doesn't mean you're gay. Fantasy is normal, especially while masturbating. Kinsey published Sexual Behavior In The Human Male in 1948. Even in conservative times, Kinsey found that many men he surveyed admitted to having a same sex experience. Almost half said they experimented with another male at least once in their lifetime, and over a third said they had reached orgasm with another guy by age 45. Same sex behavior is natural for both humans and animals. Fruit flies, sheep, flamingos, apes and other species have "gay" members too.

Both Freud and Kinsey said that male sexuality is fluid. Men are not simply gay or straight. Same sex behavior is common. It's more having a gay identity that's so taboo. In many cultures, same sex encounters are notunusual for straight men who are the tops, active or insertive partners. It's only the bottom, passive or sucker that's viewed as being gay.

A gay identity is forged when you are predominately attracted to the same sex AND when you feel that you want to romantically love and share your life with a member of the same sex. It's also political. Being gay is a mind, body and spiritual orientation, not just a sexual one.

Don't be afraid of your fantasies. I encourage you to explore them in a self-accepting, open and honest way.

All the best, Angelo.

Angelo Pezzote, M.A., N.C.C., L.M.H.C.

The Gay Man's Therapist

Would you appreciate a safe, supportive environment to talk about personal concerns? Get useful tools from a specialist who understands.

Manhattan, NY Office Tel: (917) 673-5003. Worldwide Telephone Consultation Also Available.

Angelo Pezzote, M.A., N.C.C., L.M.H.C., All Rights Reserved

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