Ask Angelo - Angelo Pezzote

Angelo Pezzote
M.A., N.C.C., L.M.H.C.
 7 Keys To Keep Sex Hot
 and Stand By Your Man?

Dear Angelo,

I have been with my boyfriend for two years now. I love him very much, but I do not trust him. The problem is, he is still married to his wife of 15 years who he has two kids with. He tells me that they are getting a divorce, but I have nothing to prove that they are. She knows about me and what he and I have, but I can't ask her because she would lie to me anyway to get me out of the picture. I am truly miserable and don't know what to do. For the last year I have been telling him that he has to prove to me that he is divorcing her, and he keeps telling me he will...he hasn't yet. What should I do? Should I stand by him? Please help!

Signed, All Alone

Dear All Alone,

I hear Tammy Wynette's 1968 classic Stand By Your Man playing in my head. This is unusual, since I would normally declare that your boyfriend'sactionsspeak louder than his well intentioned words. But as I look more closely into your question, I see that the issue isn't with your boyfriend.

Regardless of whether or not your boyfriend is trustworthy, the important thing is that you don't trust him. That's what's driving the train. You want him to divorce his wife as proof of his love for you. If you need this from him, then you must look inside and ask yourself, "why"? How come you need this proof to believe he loves you?

The highest form of love has no conditions. Love is complex and not so black and white. It includes all the positive feelings like joy, devotion and validation, along with all the negative feelings like anger, longing and insecurity. Trust and respect make up the foundation of any relationship. Without those, what can you build upon?

I can understand you're feeling frustrated after two years, but after a 15 year marriage and two kids,things with you may not be able to happen with such a clean break. This may require more time for understanding and compassion considering everyone involved.

All The Best, Angelo.

Dear Angelo,

I have been with my partner for 9 years. I still love him to death. I don't believe in open relationships - I have seen them all go up in flames. How do I keep my man still sexually into me after all of this time?

Signed, Erotic Erik

Dear Erotic Erik,

Keeping passion alive is about staying emotionally connected to your partner. Here are 7 keys to keep things new and exciting:

1.) Continue to date each other. Make a date each week if you can. Go for a romantic walk, romantic dinner or go see a love story at the theater.
2.) Continue to give each other surprises. Buy him flowers, make him dinner or write him a love letter.
3.) Continue to give each other compliments. "I still think you're sexy." "I like the person you are." "You look nice tonight."
4.) Grant each other favors. Don't expect anything back. A massage, do his laundry or rent his favorite movie.
5.) Avoid criticism. Nothing kills sex like anger and resentment. Clear the air, then let it go.
6.) Continue to get updated. Ask him how his day was, find out what's new in his life, ask him about his challenges and how he's feeling lately.
7.) Continue to talk openly about things, especially sex. Make fantasy be a part of, rather than outside, your sex life and try things you normally don't do.

All The Best, Angelo.

Angelo Pezzote, M.A., N.C.C., L.M.H.C.

The Gay Man's Therapist

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