Ask Angelo

Angelo Pezzote
 Is Being Gay Lonely?
 and He Cheated!

Dear Angelo,

Is Being Gay Lonely?

Signed, All Alone

Dear All Alone,

Being alone and being lonely are not the same. Being able to be comfortably alone with oneself is healthy. Loneliness hurts.

It is true that we create our own happiness from within. That no one outside of us can truly make us happy or fulfill us. So it is important to learn to be alone. But it is also true that it is a natural desire to share our lives with a partner and friends so we are not lonely.

It astonishes me how we as a community of gay men often treat each other. Often we are not welcoming to each other. That fact is our own doing. It is up to each one of us to change it. It is through each of us changing our own personal behavior and attitudes. One person can make a difference - Ghandi, Jesus, The Dalai Lama, Martin Luther King, Rosa Parks, Harvey Milk, Abraham Lincoln, Joan of Arc - to name but a few.

Begin by being the person you would like to meet. Smile, be nice, be open, be inviting, get to know people, love one another, We are all gay brothers and sisters who need to embrace each other. Our inability to connect with each other leaves us lonely. That is killing us in the form of suicide, drugs, alcoholism, and barebacking often at parties that substitute forour need for tribal unity and love.


Note: To see a discussion on this topic, click here.

Dear Angelo,

My new boyfriend cheated on me when he was away on vacation. We agreed to be exclusive - a must for me. Should I dump him?

Signed, Angry

Dear Angry,

The pain of cheating isn't the sex. It is the deceit. The betrayal of trust. You and your partner had an agreement to be monogamous. Your boyfriend broke that when he cheated. There was a moment when he decided to break his loyalty to you - his devotion. He had a decision to cheat or not in that moment. He chose. Now you must choose. If you let it go this time so early on - what message are you sending? Do you believe zebras change their stripes or that leopards change their spots? I'm not saying people can't change. But cheating (trustworthiness) seems to be part of someone's character or not.

It would be different if he explained up front that he wanted to take things casually or to have a type of open relationship. Then you could have decided. But he didn't. He promised something that he didn't deliver. Lose him and find someone who enjoys being with just you for your wonderful self.

Angelo Pezzote, MA, LMFT (MFC41291)

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