Ask Angelo - Angelo Pezzote

Angelo Pezzote
M.A., N.C.C., L.M.H.C.
 Ex Sex
 and Sexless In Seattle

Dear Angelo,

I broke up with a guy not long ago. I am still single. Me and him are chatting again. Now I am not thinking of a long term relationship with him, but I remember the good sex we used to enjoy. What's your thought on sleeping with your ex even after the relationship ended?

Signed, Ex Sex

Dear Ex Sex,

While I don't think it's impossible, I don't think it's such a good idea either. Many guys can manage to keep sex and love separate. Sex doesn't have to be an emotionally and spiritually intimate experience. We don't even have to talk during sex or get to know someone's name. But while it's possible to have sex without becoming emotionally attached, the reverse doesn't work out so well. Once you've been emotionally intimate with someone, it's hard to separate the sex from the feelings. They're already intertwined. You have history together. It can never purely be "just about sex" again.

Since you were the one that broke it off with him, you may have an easier time of it. It seems your motivation is strictly sexual. Good sex is terrific and hard to find. I can understand you not wanting to let that go. But if he still has unresolved feelings for you, this may not be fair to him. You may want to look beyond your own short term interests, and consider what's best for your relationship overall. I think you need to talk it out with him. Be clear and upfront about what you want. This way the two of you can weigh things out and make a decision together.

All The Best, Angelo.

Dear Angelo,

Why does my boyfriend masturbate a few times a week and I am lucky if he has sex with me once a month?

Signed, Sexless In Seattle

Dear Sexless In Seattle,

I'm grateful you're asking me, but I'm not the one you need to be asking. It will be much better for you to ask him. You have to call up the courage to talk with him about this issue. All to often we avoid talking about sex.

Sex in our culture is looked upon as shameful and dirty. This is even more so for gay sex, since it's often viewed as immoral, bad or wrong. Plus many gay men are used to keeping sex a secret to avoid the stigma of being outed. We may keep sex hidden. We may feel ashamed and don't discuss it, even in our relationships. But a good sex life is one that's talked about.

When I am in Rio de Janeiro, I love the fact that sexuality is celebrated there. Sex is a wonderful part of their life that's dealt with openly. The guys there are some of the most attractive, friendly and sensual men on earth. This makes a powerfully affirming combination. One night I was on the public beach in Ipanema and within 5 minutes a young man walked up to me and said, "I want to kiss you." I was floored. We can all learn something from such sexual openness.

All The Best, Angelo.

Angelo Pezzote, M.A., N.C.C., L.M.H.C.

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