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  3. December 24, 2009
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Open Relationships. Do they work? I am thinking about opening mine, but don't know how to bring this up. Can someone living this give me pros,cons and advice?
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I have some friends who have been in a 3-way relationship for 5+ years now. It started with 2 guys who were together for many years and then the third came along.

The topic of polyamory is now also being discussed. See page 39 of The Fight Magazine in the link.

I was recently in a tribe discussion group (see other link) where monogamy vs. open relationships was discussed and the opinions varied widely, similar to this topic with both sides feeling strongly about their viewpoint. One of the participants, who was pretty neutral on the subject used the word "intimacy" to describe something that is lacking and desired for many (his statement drew cheers). He spoke towards the end of the meeting and was surprised that word had never come up.

For those of you who are good with open relationships, would that also make you open to 3+ relationships or is that too much? It seems to me that we are all on our own paths through life and when 2 people meet at a point where their paths are such that they are synergistic relationships work and are beneficial. But our paths and personalities change and this can make what at one point was a synergistic relationship a counter productive one that can stifle growth, particularly in youth.

Maybe when we get older settling down becomes easier because we have been down the trail and want someone to share that final stretch.

References
  1. https://www.yumpu.com/en/document/view/54541358/the-fight-socals-lgbt-monthly-publication-november-2015
  2. https://www.facebook.com/groups/WeHoGMDG/
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It's been a few years now since people have posted on this topic. I'm wondering if any of the people who posted here have changed or strengthened their opinions after more experience?

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  1. Guest
  2. 3 years ago
  3. #2
I feel exactly the same. I am still with the same guy I was seven years ago when I last posted on here. We've been together 14 years now, and it still feels the same way when we first met. It's kind of nice knowing that if I meet a hot guy who wants a quickie, I don't have to deprive myself because of some man-made rules rooted in religion and traditions. I know my man isn't going anywhere, so i don't suffer from insecurity. The funny thing is, 98% of the time, we're exclusively with each other. Not because we feel like we have to be...just that we're so fulfilled with one another, there isn't a need to look for something else. But, let me tell you...when you do get to experience something new, it's fun. But, that's all it is. Fun. Once we stop equating simple sex with things like trust and commitment, it's amazing how much easier life becomes. So, I feel exactly the way I always have about this. No change. :-)
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I agree with Jack. No judgement, but you both have to not only agree, but truly want an open relationship for it to have any chance of survival. This is something that you do not compromise on for the other person.
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Emma - I do feel that women are wired very differently when it comes to sex. I've dated both men and women. An open relationship between 2 men can be hard enough; to expect a straight women to be able to handle it is excessive (for most women). Men are horn-dogs and we know it... One of the advantages of being a gay man is this understanding! How do you think your boyfriend would feel if you asked him if you guys could have a 3 way with another man? Probably not very interested... You should move on.
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I consider myself to be an open minded person more than many people living around me, and that's how others see me too. But since I think I'm open minded less than my ex boyfriend, we had to break up. It started when he asked me about my opinion about the 3some thing. To be honest, I didn't agree at the first time, and I was like "no way, me? to share my boyfriend with someone else? No way that this is happening". We discussed it and went on with our break up, till I said "ok, I agree to it, but I'm not sure how it will look like after doing". Till now I don't kow the answer to the question how would I feel after doing this. All of this was fine till my ex boyfriend brought up the subject of having sex with another girl, just for the pure sex act. When I think about it, it really hurt me to imagine it, but for the sake of our lovely relationship (and we really had an amazing relationship, based on honesty), I went on reading articles and people's posts in this field. As my ex boyfriend told me in one of our conversation about this subject "our relationship must be so strong and we have to be at this level of understanding each other, just to be able to have this kind of relationship". Actually, I appreciate him for not going and doing this without telling me (and he could do that easily since we're far away from each other). But he preferred to come and face me with his "new" wish for our relationship. At the end we end up breaking up and not being together any more, since it was so hard for me to accept what he asked for, despite reading many materials about the subject. I know it might be so healthy for both sides in the relationship, and I know I might end up with some guy who would cheat me and go do it without telling me, yet it's still hard for me to accept it. May be I don't have enough experience in my life to deal with this kind of relationship, or may be it's so simple as it sounds: I'm not the kind of person to be in this kind of relationship. I really wish we get back together, but I don't know how when we have this thing between us: everyone of us wants the opposite side of the things. I know if I agree now, we'd get back together at the moment, but I'm afraid I wont be able to be still the same person after he does this, and I don't want that way of life.
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I came across this website, after moving out to Arizona about a year ago from Los Angeles and never have been more in thought. My bf and I will be reaching our 5th yr anniversary in two weeks, we are monogamous and had a coversation early on that we would stay that way, get married, have kids, the whole nine yards. Also, early on he cheated, then I cheated, then we began cheating on each other, not getting caught but at the same time never talked about it. I just had to stop and think "what is wrong with this picture?" This was obviously contradicting from every meaning of a monogamous relationship. I started asking myself if I was truly happy seeing other guys while I continued to be with my boyfiend and I also don't know what made me realize this until I moved out to Arizona a year ago and our relationship officially became long distance. This story is getting long and away from the point, Sorry. My point is every other post says the same thing that I agree with, both guys have to be okay with it, one can't pretend to be lied to and cheated when he (me) was cheating as well and just never got caught. Anyways, we finally had the serious conversation, we understand that with our situation me being in AZ (work) and him in CA (school) we will both be happier seeing other guys. The struggle I am currently having is that I am "okay" with it and it shouldn't be that way. I hope I have the courage to just end it or live an open relationship with no judgments against my bf. It isn't easy, men are just sexual creatures, there is the few number of men who can truly live a monogamous life which I respect, obviously I am just not that type of guy. I will be happy with who I am and be with who accepts me for me, I guess that is my point.
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  1. Guest
  2. 11 months ago
  3. #11
Ron - curious how things are with you now?
  1. Guest
  2. 11 months ago
  3. #12
Ron - curious how things are with you now?
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Jack is right. Do what makes you happy. A relationship is all about 2 people in love growing with each other and accepting each other for who they are while they both help each other realize their potential. Don't obsess with the sex; it is secondary. I don't think it's a good idea to start a relationship off open; that's a decision you need to make at a later point when you're comfortable with where you're at and it needs to be something you both want. If either one of you doesn't want it, and the other one does, it's probably time to move on. Despite what any of us tell you, in the end it is all about what makes you happy. Listen to your own heart and don't compromise that.
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It's simple. Men are just not monogamous creatures. The only difference between "open" and "closed" relationships is that the former describes a pair who are honest with each other about what they want and what they do (trust me...guys who purport to be exclusive always end up cheating). Be true to yourself and your partner. Having hundreds of sex partners while you are single and then suddenly having sex with only one person for all eternity the second you start calling yourselves boyfriends is unnatural and makes no sense. There is absolutely no data in the world that support this socially imposed notion that you have to commit physically to one person to find happiness. In fact, my man and I have been happy as anyone can be for seven years and have always been open. Why? Because we don't pretend. If you have questions about this (and you do), then deep down inside, it doesn't feel right to you to be with only one guy forever. Think long and hard about it (no pun intended). Don't let others tell you what you should or shouldn't do...do what really makes you and your partner happy.
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Be single if you do not love him and only him. The world already thinks of us a 'yard dogs' that jump from bed to bed, and having an open relationship enforces that perception. Either you love him, and only him, or get out of the relationship. Lots of twitter about gay marriage, and now you want a open relationship? Did your parents or your grandparents have open relationships? If YES the you are destined to never have a one on one love one man forever! Just because "Mr. Wiggly" gets hard when you see another hot guy, shame on you! You are not 'in love with your guy' or you would not even be entertaining such a move. You want a live in f**k buddy, you do not want a partner. You are looking for an excuse to play around. Give the buy a break. Cut him loose. You just might realize that you had a good thing, too late. "Open relationships" translates to our sex live is not great, so do both of yourselves the favor of being single. Let him find something that will appreciate what he has to offer. Go be a horny bee and buzz from flower to flower sucking up the nectar. Love him or leave him. "Open" does not work. There is never a level of trust anymore. IF he stays, he will be looking for a new 'true blue' boyfriend, I assure you! You are making a big mistake trying to have a 'open relationship' if you truly love your guy. If not 100%, then break up with him and let him find a more deserving person. A hard c**k has no conscious. Do yourself and him a favor split up!
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Jinxer - You have to be with someone who feels the same way that you do and have the conversation early on in the relationship. I have been in open and closed relationships, and both can work, but you have to know what both of you want out of the relationship. Communicate and always let each other know that you love each other and will always be there. Don't share your bodies with others if that is important. There are plenty of gays who do not want an open relationship, and it will give you problems if you compromise by being in a relationship with someone who does. Good Luck and Happiness to You!!
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I don't know what to say but I'm getting so depressed to see all of these comments. I never had a boyfriend. I haven't even know what love is and now I'm reading the general trend that if I happened to fall in love with somebody, after a few years, I would end up having an open relationship? I'm willing to accept that fact but it's just sad to see that us, gay people, are just destined for "open relationship." I used to like what my parents and what all my friends have because they never know what is "open relationship." Basically you can't share your loved one with another person. It's not a contest to see who slept with the hottest guy. Are we all polygamous creatures in nature?
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No i did not open it my lover wanted it but i did not the thought of the person i love being with someone else is a bit to much for me to handle i'm just not builded that way. Why have a lover if you want to be with every Tom Dick and Harry.
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I'm curious what happened with your relationship? Did you open it?
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Rubbers don't protect you from herpes. HIV is forever. One irresponsible encounter will infect the one you supposed to love. I've known more than a few people who had this happen and the result is not a good one.
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My partner and I will have been together 17 years this coming February. We had the conversation very early on and decided that it's much more healthy to have an open relationship rather than a "monogamous" one where we'd end up cheating down the line anyway. Some of you may think that we didn't give monogamy a chance but, trust me, of all the gay relationships I've known, over 90% of "monogamous" relationships were broken up because of cheating. As I've said before in this thread, for open relationships to work, both partners have to agree to it and you have to set up ground rules that are sensitive to both partners' comfort level (e.g., how often, don't ask don't tell or let's compare our conquests, etc.). Recognize that situations may come up that necessitate a renegotiation. Communication is key. Recognize as well that if only one partner wants it, it's not going to happen and the best thing for you to do is split up. You may be able to prevent your partner from exploring but not for long.
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Yes, we do screen the boards. We also rely on the intelligence of those reading them to make their own decisions... I'm open to new objective viewpoints at this time. I agree there's been enough name-calling. Life is short - do what works for you as long as you are respectful of the feelings of the people you care for. And when you post comments here, respect others even though you may not know them or care for them. The purpose here is to learn from each other, not throw stones. I'd like to hear more from others who have been in long-term (5 year plus) monogamous and open relationships. Anybody out there with good or bad stories to tell? Is monogamy really important for a successful relationship?
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Seriously, doesn't anyone screen these boards? What's with all the yelling and screaming in all caps by someone who can't put three cogent words together? It muddies what could otherwise be intelligent discourse. So...anyone out there who isn't on drugs, speaks English, and not arguing from the point of view of an emotionally wrecked, bitter, jaded queen whose been screwed over too many times and chalks it up to the fact that gays don't work hard enough to emulate straights? Really guys...take a hard look at yourselves and ask whose shoes you'd rather be in. Mine or those of angry caps lock guy? (I'll give you a hint: I am sitting her having dinner with my hot bf of 6 years who isn't threatened by the fact that I won't pretend that I magically stopped being attracted all other men the day I met him. And, I don't feel the need to scream and yell at anyone. Quite the contrary...I've got the perfect situation. And, only because I was able to get past some senseless hang-ups and find the ability to be honest with myself and my partner.)
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Being Angry and feel offended it is completely normal and nothing wrong feeling Guilty.The TRUTH Normally HURTS a LOT especially when HIT people that they do wrong. HOW EVER PARENTS WOULD SAY TO A DAUGHTER- RESPECT YOURSELF. The answer is we do not want to that other people use you as a SEX TOY than throw after that. LOVE- is what every person was searching on THIS EARTH. Many stories were written. People were fighting to get a HEART of person that they LOVE. There are no age limits who can fall in love, they are all ready to fall in LOVE and be in LOVE RELATIONSHIP. What OPENRELATIONSHIP gave you at the END? If you go at any GAY BAR in WEST HOLLYWOOD you will find Males mostly OLD ,who are sitting ,drinking ALONE ,and paying to a YOUNG GUYS just to be able to talk with someone .But probably in the their past life they used to have OPEN RELATIONSHIP, having a boy calling this is my ?boyfriend? BUT THEY WERE SEARCHING FOR OTHER MAN ,PRETENDING THAT THEY LOVE THEIR LOVERS. It is nice to have a FREEDOM who to chose to LOVE, Find the best match, But it is NOT OK to CHEAT on lover, because other person may be really in love, he may have a dream to have family with his lover, he may liked to be respected as a MALE WHO KNOWS HOW TO LOVE AND BUILD LIFE, instead Jumping from one to another dick trying to find the biggest or harder. It is fine when you are SINGLE to try out and see what is out there, but once you find THE ONE ?how than you need THIRD . GAYS FIGHT FOR THE RIGHT TO BE ABLE TO MARRY THEIR LOVER? BUT BEHIND THE SCENE THEY WAN TO LIFE THAT THEY CALL OPEN RELATIONSHIP - straight people call that PROSTITUTION, Dangerous way to SPREAD Sexual Diseases from one to another person. REMEMBER AFTER YOU PASS DAYS WHEN YOU WERE HANDSOME AND YOUNG ALL WE WILL COME THERE ON THE SAME ROOM WHERE WE ARE OLD AND UGLY, FAT ETC?.WHY NOT SPEND OUR BEST LIFE TIME WITH THE ONE WE LOVE AND SHARE OUR HAPPINES WITH HIM.
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Ok how did this last response get posted?? I found it really rude and offensive. What's with the profanity? Sounded very angry.
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I'd be really interested to know the age of people who are for/against open relationships. I'd be willing to bet that on the whole, it's the young, idealistic ones that are against the idea. As for monogamy, I know lots of people who say they are in a monogamous relationship but both partners sleep around on the side. The one who gets caught first is the guilty/bad one. How healthy is that? Sex is a component of love between two people but companionship and shared interests/memories are much more important in the long run.
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